Okaeri Nasai!

This is a story about a child and its favorite bolster.

One day the bolster was removed from the child, kept away from its grasp and hidden from its view. The child immediately threw a tantrum and tried desperately to get it back, but to no avail.

On the 1st day, the child searched high and low for the bolster. Calling out for the bolster and looking for it everywhere. The child got angry and questioned :”why!”. Sulking and feeling unhappy after searching the whole day…he fell asleep with a furrowed brow.

On the 2nd day, The child was moody and disappointed. He felt deceived and cheated.The child questioned :”Where!” as the search for the bolster grew long and aimless. He tried to be nicer, by not asking for the bolster too much – hoping it would be returned if he was well behaved. After a while, the child was told that the bolster still exists. The news brought the child’s yearning back and soon he was back to searching. Deep in the child’s heart, the child was determined to find the bolster, it wanted the bolster. NO, HE NEEDED THE BOLSTER! It was the one defined item the child was definitely sure of its importance in its life. But the determination took too much of the child’s energy and he fell into slumber without much fight.

On the 3rd day, the child’s yearning grew. A fellow playmate had seen the bolster yesterday and spoke of the incident to the child. He was incensed but it reminded himself to keep a nice outlook in case his “bad” behavior would lessen his chances of finding the bolster. However naive the child’s thoughts…it mattered alot to the child. Frustrated by the bolster’s disappearance, the child called out for it once more. The night was tougher then the previous nights, the child could not fall asleep. Every thought was about the bolster, every drifting image was related to it. In a bid to get some rest, the child downed a cup of milk and slept unwillingly.

On the 4th day, the bolster was returned to the child. He eyed it warily, unsure if it was the same. The child was asked if he didn’t recognize the bolster, but the child knew from the first look. The bolster was the same but the feeling had somewhat changed. Fear had crept into the child’s heart and shielded it from wanting the bolster.

“Will it be taken away again?” “If I touch it does it mean I lose?” “What does this mean?”

The child remained silent and dared not look as if it would suddenly disappear. He stole furtive glances and it remained where it was. Gently he embraced the bolster, but he felt stiff holding it, as if he dared not. The fear and second thoughts crept in…cajoling and confusing the child. ” Please don’t take it away again….”, the child pleaded. “What good does it do for me?”

The child hugged and held on to the returned bolster with all its strength and will.

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This is how I felt for the past 3 days – since you were gone.

One day I might grow out of my bolster – but dun tell me its disappearance is for my own good. Nobody decides for others.

Today’s is better ?

Just a day, a mere day

Without you;feels like

Clouds without water;

Sunlight without warmth.

Today was alright…I woke up early to a phone without msgs…i guess the hiatus will consume another day and true enough it did.Work was plain and I’d honestly say I was moody and everyone did their best, either to avoid me or to attempt to talk to me. I broke free from my thoughts when it got busy…or when the topic grew interesting, but it wasn’t long before it went back to her.

I read this story yesterday night, and with it I come away with abit of information for you all.

Ask yourself who you have been thinking of , 2hours ago.

Now ask yourself , who is the one lingering in your thoughts right now.

And finally if 2 hours later, you are still thinking of the same person…

You are in love with that person.

Its a simple logic derived from a certain chapter in the story I just linked… and I strongly suggest you read it (or maybe buy the book and lend me :P)

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Thank you Ber, for listening to me rant about work and life tonight. I forgive you for going to those sleazy ktv pubs ok? LOL!

 

Horrible;just horrible.

A truly horrible day…I just got wind of my impending transfer to the Plaza Sing outlet…along wif Claudia. I’ll optimistically call it a “holiday” as it is very quiet over there and the crowd is almost non-existent.

Now the next blow is straight to the gut, because we are now gonna have ANOTHER FUCKING STOCKTAKE. Well done! Office has bestowed that upon us because its the end of the financial year…and the bloody stocktake we just did earlier in the beginning of the month….counts for shit. No thanks…especially since we have just received 10 boxes of stock from Heeren and the Tangs counter. I’m already speechless at the stupidity of this whole entire issue.

Well the last 1 hits closer to home. During my break, Claudia came in and told me to go outside, telling me my “chai” is in the shop. I was asleep and i figured if it was Belle , she’d come in the storeroom. Surprisingly…”she” left. In my half-asleep mode…i punched out a sms saying “bye bye” as i figured she shud be heading for work…butits odd that she didn’t even say bye? Things started to present themselves when the day went on. Belle suddenly replied a “I’ll go” sms…and I got me tinking… what go? Go where? Huh?

I replied but there was nothing else….I tried calling but got my calls rejected. I tried calling intermittently just in case she was at work…but I got rejected all the way into the night. Well its 2.30AM now…heart’s unsettled, unable to sleep and low on ciggs. It doesn’t help that I’ve not gotten even a single peep from her. Which explains this post – the writing keeps me distracted and lets all my frustrations out.

Old folks says: When it rains; it pours. Well today is just a tropical storm…I can only pray everything will be resolved in the morning light.

Unspoken;written.

What I could not bring myself to say, I write.

I’m Jealous – yes I admit…of a Italian, and I have absolutely no right to be. What a lovely situation I’m in…yet I wish I could bring it out to reality( ok does the blog reality count anymore?)

So I had a pretty emo night…Belle wasn’t very happy with her movie partner’s attitude in the cinema…and it lead her to 4 bowls of kimchi when she cannot take spicy stuff. My silence and inability to cheer her up wasn’t really working…so we tried to talk it out. We moved to Plaza Sing to find Jerry and Jiahao before they closed…and after chatting we hung around and went to look for Edmund @ Couple Lab.

We walked towards home and sat down behind Le Meridian, until Belle wanted fruits. We got some guava and honeydew which really sucked. Her dad called and she was in such a tangle…settling her stuff…and things really blew afterwards. I heard Norah Jone’s “don’t Know Why” and suddenly it made me feel like traveling overseas to find a nice chill spot to settle down with Belle(already decided ages ago) and so….it spouted from my mouth. I didn’t get past the 1st few words and she got angry – becoz I said :”Someday I wanna pack up and leave….” She heard that and she blew.

Walking after her at a viewing distance…wondering why she got mad, wondering why I haf to chase her, realising that it was that slip of the tongue, realising that I dun mind chasing her, realising that we are probably gonna be like this for the rest of our lives together, wondering how we are gonna live thru this , wondering if I’ll ever break down and give up, realising that is not possible and well….plainly carried on walking after her until she got to Heeren.

I met Eddie while waiting for her to emerge from the toilet, we had a small chat and parted she Eddie’s fren came out. I tried to make small talk with her and thankfully she had chilled. I left her to be by herself until we got downstairs of her house and apologised for the slip. She understood and said sorry too…and the air was cleared.

We parted nicely at the end…but the whole day was shit. Ok Belle…lets Be Kind and Rewind! 😛

Now and Again.

There are times when I’m told that I’m the only guy you’ll marry.

And den I feel like its as if I’m being told one day I’ll be a designer.

Its something that I wanna be – but I gotta be daring and believe in this dream.

Realisation.

Through all these years, I’ve finally come to realise that you are not the one I want.

You are the one I NEED .

*Somehow that makes me look needy – damn! *

Sword & Daggers.

Its a little late to be watching Brokeback Mountain, after its been out for almost 3 yrs. But i figured its just the right time for me. The gripping emotions of having to leave each other after the stint in the mountains – I understand, and yes it makes you wanna puke. It grips that badly.

Ironically I’m talking to Belle on msn as the show unfolds. The parallels of movie and reality just blur. But the person I can relate to is Emma. She, who discovers, her husband kissing his best friend in the stairwell. The hurt, and grief and feelings of betrayal…so vivid – why am I not affected? How come I see this with eyes of understanding? Maybe i have seen it already.

Every Relationship is a Connection. Every Connection runs deep. How can I deny a Deep Relationship when I can see its Connection. Yet it hurts. Oh well.

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Mark my arms with sword and dha;

Our initials they will imprint.

They shall scare away future wives and lovers;

but only remain the ones who dare give up defeat.

Silence makes it easy.

*haven’t been able to blog since that night*

Feverish, she appears for work, only to be stepped on by young Fhillipo, the boy who just celebrated his (5th?) birthday at Buono. He caused much pain to her injured toe.

2 Coronas and an alien strive to see things thru, but turn out to be of little help.The day was finally topped off with a lesson in how to run a restaurant by Salvatore Buono himself. Its a tough call with his demands and such, but if you manage to sift thru his words, you see his point. He is no doubt a great guy.

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Looks cast upon you;

feels like anger or disdian.

Somehow or another;

they feel like catcalls while you’re running a race.

Don’t look! Just keep going!

Ignore the words – just like pain.

Nothing else will matter when you’ve won Life’s game.

Question and Answer.

Its been exhausting and I’m done questioning myself. The answer is always the same, in fact there’s no need for the same old repetive answers.
I dunno what kind of reaction I should have, to the reality that I’m in now. Someone asked if I’m already immune – I tink I am…but not in a bad way. It the kind of understanding that comes with time. You don’t question much when you’ve seen it all.
It funny how come I dun tink anything inside me has changed…not the emotions , not the decisions. But the thing that makes me wonder the most is WHY.
But then again I have no need for that answer. 5 letters say it all.

Dinner is served.

*This is a make-up post*

The morning was pretty much spent alone and apart from Belle. It was till evening when I was about to leave for town till I came across her in surprise. It turns out i had figured the wrong hideout she was going to….We sat for a while, she had someone else to meet.

I left her to ensure I could get to her brother on time…Him, Belle, my sis and I had a dinner date @ Jelita. I reached town…but ended up waiting for a fair bit for her bro had just reached home…Time was not on our side…as the restaurant we supposed to be at closes at 9pm while it was almost 8.40pm when he came down. My sis ended up eating alone…whereas Marvin(Belle’s bro) and I headed to Holland Village to wait for Belle to arrive.

We chatted about random stuff and checked out Leftfoot. Walked around aimlessly discussing wad we should eat until Belle came. We all settled for Sushi Tei but was told we had to make all our orders at 1 shot coz it was the last order already. Fair enough we didn’t mind. We ordered an array of sushi and tofu and I ordered steamboat. The food was more den sufficient for us…in fact we didn’t finish everything.

We chatted and joked about Belle being constantly smsing…I suppose it was Cow. For one thing I felt we were so relaxed…but it felt like we were frens. Maybe because her brother was around…or maybe its due to the recent appearances by Cow. I’m unsure and I dun wanna assume. Sabrina joined us as the restaurant was about to close…and we quickly finished up and left before they threw us out 😛

As we left the place for some dessert…Our hands brushed. It sent a warm tingle down my spine, an instant flash of earlier times. I wanted so much to hold those hands right there and then…but she walked forward, leaving me in my thoughts. My hoarse throat kept me to my thoughts, it gave me a proper excuse not to speak. And so I quietly watched the night unfold.

We headed to Frolick for yogurt and it was pretty gd…we settled down next to a table of really pretty girls but they were lesbian , i knew because they were just too beautiful to be straight and of coz there was a butch with them. I took a Zouk flyer and asked Marvin, Belle and Sab : Do you know who is this? as I pointed to the face on the cover. They didn’t know so I said :” Van Gogh”. they were stumped so I decided to tell them the truth : ” Ok this is actually Tom Middleton”. But they were even more stumped LOL!

I urged Marvin to ask the counter girls the same question…but after a round of egging him on…he finally delivered the question wrongly…and snooked himself because the girls didn’t noe wad he was talking about. He seemed to take it calmly; maybe he’s been in these situations many times…Lol!

It was nice to meet her bro and really have this dinner…It…was another milestone for me, though I didn’t say it out. Another mark on this reality that I have with Her. Hopefully there will be more.

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I’m not the one for You ; You are the one for Me.