Own Time,Own Target.

I’m off for Reservist till 5th July.

Target practice time!!!

Hope I return with a Marksman award and $100 extra! LOL!

—————————–

I’m struggling to say it out in words to you…so make do with the typed words please.

Weakness.

Is it love? That you are feeling?

Or a habit like brushing your teeth in the morning?

There’s a difference between wanting and needing;

Preach that to a heart thats bleeding.

Trapped in surreal times that used to be;

Reality is where you choose to flee.

—————————————————-

All it took was a miss call to break me down.

You are my weakness. I admit.

Colored Balls.

Absolutely Brillant.

And thats why I love Sony.

Permanance.

Recently, I’ve been thinking of her…in a different way. The pain is much faded, but the lingering denial and insistence to hold on is still there…This is not about giving up. I’ve just come to realise that its become to a point where my memories have become neutral. The bear no sadness or pain and only reflective clearly if its a good memory or a bad one.

Sweet times we shared still bring a smile to me – the bad ones still make me wince.

Its just that I have come to terms with it…

———————————————

After the night’s stocktake, Siti offered me a ride to have a quick drink before we went home…However , that included searching for the car in the sprawling carpark of Great World City’s Basement 1 & 2.

When we finally did…it was such a surreal scene.

——————————-

Kudos to the wise girl who put this up…now tell me where else do you wan us to put our desperately-needed refreshments in this time of SALE ???

—————————————————-

Life is like a reflecting pool; you are what you put in it.

But beware of the pitfalls.

———————————–

I’ve been thinking long and hard…and a symbol of permanence might just enter my life very soon.I’m pondering over its look and form…wondering if there are certain things or person in my life I should keep it in tune with. With logical reasoning…I should make it only relevant to myself…but I guess there shall be at least a hint of her presence.

She is afterall…a quarter of this 24yr old soul’s memory.

Funky Low Spot.

I suddenly remember that old horoscope reading I once had…when I 1st took on this new job at Zara…it said something about me “coming down my high lofty perch and finding a new funky low spot that I will come to enjoy.” It made me tink about the old days at FLMP, in my manager post, with the love of my life, doing a job I truly enjoyed with great frens.

Now I’m back to a normal staff post, without her…I guess I tink can say I have my frens, my new colleagues and the same kind of job I love….so if this is the funky new low spot….well, I like~ LOL!

———————————————————-

Ber and I went for a chill photoshoot at Sungei Road today…we found a few weird artifacts and got a few good photos. We had our lunch at Zam Zam opposite Sultan Mosque and we couldn’t finish 1 egg and 1 kosong prata! I tell you they were huge! and they stayed crispy even until we gave up. When we wanted to pay…I tink they mischarged us…coz for the 4 pratas and 2 drinks…it was only $4.90! We gave them the benefit of the doubt and went off lol…

After the photoshoot, Ber wanted to get some film from Mustafa…but can you imagine wad we bought instead?

This cost us $19 each…and we realised that my watch previously was selling for $29!!!

I bought it at Lucky Plaza for $65! I wanna kill those people at Lucky Plaza….and the Mustafa salesman even joked…saying they were Lucky. Jeesh~ But ok la…lesson learnt.

Now I know where I should buy my stuff.

———————————————

I went back to the shop for our stocktake…and for those who know…if Zara has a stocktake…den that means???

The Sale is coming!

Get your moolaa ready because its really damn close ok?

Procrastinate.

This took me 1 min to think of, and 3 days to make.

Because I kept deciding to do it : “Tomorrow.“

Comic Relief.

I’m sorry to realise this so late, that acknowledging my pain will only cause you more suffering in return. So I will no longer speak of this sorrow again. Let it end with me.

I will survive this by some other way. I have no idea wad it is…but maybe there is another way.

——————————-

Encircle your sorrow and draw a dot.

The pain is the dot.

The dot is small.

Now tell yourself that you are mistaken.

THERE IS NO DOT.

——————————-

My colleagues just don’t get it…that even if there is no or little sales, you must stay cheerful.The bored mood leads to bad auras which in turn will affect the customers. If the customers feel bored too…den where are we gonna get the sales? Smile, bluff yourself, say hi to everyone, pull the team together…

How many times will I have to fool myself in this whole life? Especially when I have fooled myself into staying strong for so long?

—————————————

Now that our lines are becoming clearer…I’m still quite happy cause I’ve come to a point where I’ll never have to guess what it will feel like to be with you…to be able to love you so openly. It stills shakes me inside, to remember how I ever held you like a lover, to feel your head against my chest.

Now I tink I should be able to die in peace.

Unfair;Don’t Be.

To a dear fren of mine: I have the following advice.

Don’t share yourself. Not only is it unfair to the person you are giving a chance to..it is also highly unfair to you. I ,myself, would personally know how mentally impossible it is…to attempt loving another person while your heart clearly pines for another. Its just not right no matter how you put it. Can you imagine wanting nothing but a Big Mac but trying to eat a McChicken…all the while thinking of that Big Mac? How unfair it is to the McChicken? And how unfair it is…to be bluffing yourself that you will be satisfied with the McChicken ? The 2 will never be the same.

Either starve until the Big Mac arrives on your table….or forget about it totally. Until then, leave the McChicken alone. At least thats how I feel…

—————————————————–

I had a pretty good day with Cheryl, shopping and chilling in town…she’s one of those people whom I can turn to and talk about anything and yet feel like I don’t owe her an arm or leg

I Forgot.

I forgot.

I forgot how I met you in #haiz, the days we chatted on irc,the moment my interest grew,the time when you cut your hand over a broken mug,how worried I was when you you were still typing away to me relating how it happened, about all those trips you had to make to the hospital, about the day on the bus home when you 1st called me and gave me the biggest and happiest surprise of my life, forgot about the weeks I spent waiting outside your house, forgot about the phone calls that lasted thru the wee hours, forgot abt how I tried to listen intently to your surroundings on the fone – trying to understand your behavior, forgot about the time I nearly bumped into your mum, forgot about the rash debate over the fone with your mum arguing abt whether or not you were too young for me , forgot about the days I picked you up after school, about the time we went together to the national library, about your lie that you were older den you actually were, about your faked picture,forgot the time you sneaked out and pretended to be buying bread at Lucky Plaza.

I,too forgot about the days when you visited me with Hannah in tow, the times smoking together at basement 1, the time you sat on my lap and Darren’s eyes went big, how Hannah tried to look away – shy,how happy I was having you by my side, how you spoke of your troubles and I would listen, and how you would listen too…when I ranted about mine.

I also forgot the night you called me during my 3rd week of BTM in Tekong and told me that you were leaving for the U.S, about the loneliness I shared with you when “you” weren’t there, forgot about the 1st card you gave me, our 1st ring that came with the card, forgot about the time I met you at Macdonalds with your frens and how I made ur fren embarrassed about his crude way of talking, about spending time with you when I didn’t realise the truth, forgot the time when you told me the whole truth and how everything fell into place, forgot how I forgave you by believing that you’ve had enough guilt as punishment for the lie,forgot how we became great frens again, forgot how I realised that I loved you so much even though all this while I was staring at the wrong picture, and also how I fell in love with you all over again.

Even more I forgot about how I had to hold myself back when you were attached;everytime you were attached, forgot the time we went to Bishan and met PTK, and the very moment you sat on my lap , and how my arms naturally held you.I forgot the days at Causeway Point where we and Millie met,forgot the embarrassing moment when we sat at the carpark and we so close to kissing and I made that stupid lame distraction about that “white van”, about the Macdonald meal we had with Hannah, how the pride I felt when I introduced you to Xiao Qing, about the times when I spoke of you to them, forgot about the number of people and times I spoke of you with only pure foolish happiness showing thru my eyes.

I also conveniently forgot about the time when you called me crying and asking for ciggs, the look on everyone’s face when you showed up, and the time at Taka’s staircase and you told me not to fall for you again and I so confidently said “I won’t.” , forgot about the days you spent visiting me at FLMP,the days we spent smoking at the taxi stand and the loading bay, the mornings that we spent together, forgot about how the very word “baby” brings tingles to my cheeks and threaten to make my eyes tear, forgot about the fake rose I gave you during V-day, the book I bought from Haji Lane, forgot about the afternoon at your house, forgot about the lunch with Marvin, The quiet dinner together before we went back down to FLMP to meet Claud and Dauser, I forgot the drinking sessions at Balcony, escaping before your father spotted me, and also how he stared straight at me before he drove off, forgot about that movie at Cathay where I rushed out for the 1st time in my entire life, and how I walked you home, forgot about us singing Jason Mraz’s “I’m yours” over and over again as we avoided your father coming home, forgot about the chill times we had sitting outside the main road drinking and that quiet spot where we sat after I ended work, forgot about the trip to Changi Beach and that night we spent under the stars, the cold wind and only each other and a sleeping bag for warmth, forgot the time you turned up at my house, forgot the happiness, the cheeriness, the gratefulness as you tended to a sick Alvin. I forgot our plans for our 3 daughters(ok so it was my plan), forgot how our house should look like, forgot all our future together, forgot about the decision to get married 10yrs down the road, forgot the moment at the stairs of your house, forgot how my breathe quickened and heart raced with your lips at my ears, forgot about the evening at Buangkok Mrt, the winds of Changi Beach, the moon that I gazed at whenever you were not around.

I forgot about Plaza Sing ,about the days with Kenny and Shanon, about clubbing at St James, about you getting drunk, about me calling Marvin and taking turns trying to take care of you,about you puking all over my hand,about the chaos I caused, about me wishing I did none of that because I caused even more trouble,forgot how I couldn’t sleep but fell asleep troubled,forgot about Bueno, forgot about the meal with Koko Ko Zay and Mama Lin, forgot about how I walked to your workplace in the rain, sat thru 3hours at the back street only to see you for 15mins,i forgot how I tried to be frenly with everyone, about learning Burmese,about wad Mama Lin said on the bus, about how shaken I was when I realised the double meaning of her words, about how fruitless all my actions are too this point, i forgot sending you off into Cow’s arms, about walking to the mrt feeling like I just gave my heart away,feeling like I’m such a fool, crying in the dark as I walked the 400m home from Buangkok, forgot that I haven’t cried in almost 2yrs.

I somehow forgot Burma,the grueling one month without you, the daily emails, the frantic rush to get a calling card when you called suddenly, the worry , the paranoia of you getting in trouble, the helplessness of living without you, the happiness of hearing your voice, forgot about our set of locks, about how it beat against my chest as I walked no matter where I went, forgot how I recorded your voice on msn as we chatted , forgot the tears that no one ever saw, the childish whimpers when I wanted you so badly but couldn’t say, the silence I encased myself in while my mind rambled the possibilities of your life together and trying to piece it all together, the angst of you loving another person, forgot the pain and rage that burned at my heart, forgot how I managed to go thru it all and still knew that I’d be there for you no matter what.

I forgot EVERYTHING.

WHO AM I TRYING TO KID?

ALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAI

ALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAI

ALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAIALVINGUAI

Think.

I had this train of thought today…

Maybe its becoz we are so firm in our love, so openly declared and steadfast, for that other person in our lives. Which results in the reality that it makes other people in our lives, unable to come forward and proclaim their love for us…or even be able to step in and attempt to progress or even worse, initiate, a possible relationship with us.

I tink its somewhat true, even if others get the courage…our zeal in sticking to our “one and only” will ultimately scare or disappoint them and they will soon back away.

————————————-

I thought of you with your hair up, in your shorts and your homely air around you. That afternoon…ever so surreal, deeply etched in my mind. It might be a consolation or a source of pain at times…but I’m happy to have that in my mind today.

————————————–

Camwhorer camwhoring a fellow camwhorer camwhoring.